The bathroom has been a source of humor since time immemorial, but most bathroom jokes are pretty gross. Some of the wittiest minds of the last few generations, however, have taken it upon themselves to come up with comparatively high-brow bathroom quotes that will get you in the mood for your remodeling project. Check out this curation of the most hilarious bathroom quotes, and stick around for a selection of some of the best graffiti ever found on the walls of bathroom stalls.
Funny Bathroom Quotes
Without further ado, here are some top bathroom quotes from comedians and kings alike:
1. King George V
“Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.”
Never one to mince words, King George V said exactly what he meant when it was his time to opine on the finer points of using the restroom. The life of a head of state is fraught with responsibility and turmoil, and sometimes the only way to be left alone when you’re king is to hide in the bathroom.
2. President Nixon
“Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.”
Back in the day, many cities in the United States featured toilet stalls that you could only enter by inserting a nickel into a box by the door. In this witty quip, President Nixon takes a creative slant in expressing his belief that Cuba and the USSR were joined at the hip.
3. George Carlin
“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”
George Carlin’s jokes either make you groan audibly or hold your sides in laughter, and this observation makes you do a little bit of both. However, you can’t say that he’s wrong!
4. Erma Bombeck
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
While it’s nice to give your kid space to use the restroom in peace, Erma Bombeck wittily brings our attention to the times when this leeway can go too far. Unless your dog has something against faucets, it’s best to trust your canine friend to sense when things are wrong. However, you might want to try simply busting down the door before you call the police.
5. Catherine Zeta-Jones
“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”
While some married men or women might not have access to the luxurious lifestyle enjoyed by Catherine Zeta-Jones, there’s no denying that she makes a good point; instead of squabbling over sinks or arguing over shower times, it’s best to cut through all of the red tape and simply have separate his-and-hers bathrooms. Not only does this choice cut down on marital stress, but it also retains some of the mystery of the relationship.
6. Anne Lamott
“I wish I had thrown out the bathroom scale at age 16. Weighing yourself every morning is like waking up and asking Dick Cheney to validate your sense of inner worth.”
It’s said that the bathroom scale is a woman’s worst enemy, and it seems that Anne Lamott has her own share of regrets over her weight obsession. The lesson here is to always avoid deriving your sense of self-worth from external objects whether they’re bathroom scales or political figures.
7. Billy Carter
“Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don't know where the bathroom is.”
Whenever you go to a party at a new place, it’s always best to figure out where the bathroom is before you enjoy a single drink. If you forget to find the restroom before you start socializing, however, at least remember to order a dry martini instead of a beer.
8. Bob Hope
“I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.”
For troops abroad and civilians back home, Bob Hope was a beloved entertainer who helped people forget about the bad points of life and focus on the good. Who knew, however, that his famous song and dance routine was inspired by an unrelenting need to pee?
9. Eoin Colfer
“You learn a lot about people when you're sitting on their bathroom floor or on their toilet seat, rifling through their stuff.”
While you shouldn’t follow Eoin’s example, it’s certainly true that you can learn almost everything you need to know about someone by spending a few minutes in his or her bathroom. Leave that medicine cabinet alone, though!
Funny Bathroom Graffiti
1. Drunk Octopus Wants to Fight You
You know those odd-looking coat hooks you often find on the inner walls of bathroom stalls? The ones with two arms coming out at angles and lopsided screws? Well, one bathroom patron noticed the striking similarity between these places to put your jacket or keys and everyone’s favorite cephalopod: One blogger found a picture of one of these stall hooks with “Drunk octopus wants to fight you” scrawled underneath in permanent marker.
2. Sometimes When I’m Alone, I Use Comic Sans
It’s no secret that Comic Sans is one of the silliest fonts you can pick in Microsoft Word, but this stall occupant wanted to remain anonymous when he shared his secret love for this cartoonish font. What’s even better is the response to this graffiti from another bathroom patron: “You disgust me.”
3. Things I Hate
We all like to go to the bathroom to cool off when we’re mad or depressed. One anonymous toilet user, however, decided to cleverly make fun of this trope by venting his or her frustrations in the form of subtle sarcasm. This witty graffito reads: “Things I hate. 1. Vandalism, 2. Irony, 3. Lists.”